A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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