By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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