so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
