At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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