shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
