Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
