At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
