I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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