He disabled his match.com account in front of me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Boobs speak an international language.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize