I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
