Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
being pregnant is like rehab
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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