A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
