Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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