had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
