It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
