I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
