hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
