i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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