Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
