Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she peed on how many people?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
