if you like me you must not know who I am
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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