So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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