i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize