i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
