Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize