It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
