Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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