he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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