I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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