I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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