Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
