Cold hands, warm shart.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
