I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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