Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
