I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
