sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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