I could have mohawked her pubes.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
