So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
