My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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