this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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