Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
