Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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