my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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