Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize