I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
