So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
