the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize