What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
