I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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