Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
