Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I can text with my tongue
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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