I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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