Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
