if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize