It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
