If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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