She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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