bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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