I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
