Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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