I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
