when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
