I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
