He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
