I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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