I haven't been this sober since birth.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
