The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
