My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
